How to Make Friends Out of Enemies
Photo by Alexis Chloe on Unsplash
Make Friends, Not Enemies
Polarized. This is the common and current description of American society, where various groups of people pit themselves against each other as archenemies. But polarization among people or within a culture is nothing new.
Perhaps the news media, the internet, and social media heighten our awareness of this polarization. Even contribute to it. And, some of the reactionary online rhetoric fans the flames higher than needed. But enemies—perceived or real—have existed since the beginning of humanity.
The serpent in the garden of Paradise was no friend to God or the first humans (Gen 3:14-15). It appears Cain viewed his brother Abel as an enemy of sorts. Cain perceived God honored his brother over him, so he killed Abel. And so it continues.
Some people become our enemies because of nationalism, jealousy, economics, politics, religion, ambitions, or a myriad of other reasons. These enemies can be real and want to harm us, even destroy us, but sometimes it’s more a matter of perception than reality.
Perhaps we perceive other people as enemies for one of the previous reasons. But more often it’s because of personal slights, our insecurities, or a difference of opinion.
During the anti-war, anti-nuke protests and love-ins of the sixties, a popular slogan was—Make love, not war! Maybe we can start a new slogan to depolarize things today—Make friends, not enemies!
Both slogans may seem idealistic and naïve, but they echo similar conduct esteemed in preschool and kindergarten. Not only were we encouraged to share toys and such, but when some conflict erupted we were encouraged to “say you’re sorry” and shake hands or hug.
Again, maybe this seems too naïve and idealistic, but this is the intent of the following verses in Proverbs 25.
Scripture
If your enemy is hungry, give him some food to eat,
and if he is thirsty, give him some water to drink.
In this way you will make him feel guilty and ashamed,
and the Lord will reward you. (Proverbs 25:21-22 GW)
(Context— (Proverbs 25:1-22 GW)
Simple insights
At first glance, reading these two verses seems paradoxical. The idea of being kind to your enemy sounds absurd to many of us. Another Bible version phrases verse 22 this way—
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you. (Prov 25:22 NIV)
The idea is to turn an enemy into a friend or at least defuse or deflect the animosity of an enemy. Taken literally, this doesn’t seem to be an effective way to make a friend of your enemy. There are at least a couple of thoughts on what this means.
From a historical context, the inference is one person lending their “enemy” burning coals to start a fire for cooking food, instead of starting their own fire. One person would place the burning coals in a pot and give it to another, who carried the pot of coals on their head.
In a figurative sense, it most likely refers to how a person's compassion can impact their adversary. It brings a sense of conviction, perhaps shame, for the enemy’s spiteful attitude. The kindness is unexpected and disarming.
Jesus emphasized loving our enemies instead of hating them in His sermons on the mount (Matthew 5:43-48) and on the plain (Luke 6:27-31). This is linked to the Golden Rule—“do unto others as you would have them do unto you”—and God's merciful nature.
I’ve learned how effective this is firsthand from my wife. She’s done this many times with me when I’m in one of my antagonistic moods. I’ve watched her successful use of this same strategy with feuding children, disgruntled staff, and quarrelsome people in our ministry in the US and abroad.
Kindness is a simple way to turn enemies into friends, or at least defuse their combative attitudes. But, it can also be difficult. What makes it difficult is our part. It requires us to be peacemakers—to humble ourselves, choose reconciliation instead of revenge, and trust the Lord to honor our effort.
So, feed your enemy when he or she is hungry. If they’re thirsty, give them some refreshing water. Don’t hate them, but do as Jesus said—to bless them and pray for them.
Think of how much better the world would be if we all did this. It would radically change the world! But don’t wait on others to do this with you. Start today and keep going, even if no one else does.
Your life will be a whole lot better when you show kindness to your enemies—perceived or genuine—instead of hatred. Making friends out of enemies will make all our lives better!
Reflection—
God’s people are called to be peacemakers—to do our best to defuse and deflect antagonism from others. It requires humility and choosing to trust in God. The Lord calls us to turn enemies into friends through kindness.
Prayer Focus—
Are there people who have slighted or wronged you? People you dislike because of their opinions, what they stand for, or who they are? Then, ask the Lord to help you see them with His eyes and to help change your heart to become a peacemaker.
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